The Fall of Hayley

"If Satan is such a huge problem, why doesn't God just smite him?" The question tumbled from Hayley's lips before she had a chance to stop herself. This question had been bothering her for many months now, but she hadn't been able to summon the courage to ask it. Even now, it had been more of a knee-jerk response to her parents' shallow dinner-time discussions of 'Satan's corrupting influences' rather than an actual question.

Her mother stared in horror and her father sighed, reciting a response he clearly knew by heart, "Because God is forgiving and hopes one day Satan will realize the error of his ways."

"And…will he?" She chose her next question carefully, not wishing to irritate her father much further but desperate curiousity overtaking that wish.

"No." He replied bluntly, returning to his newspaper, "He's too wicked and sinful."

"Then why does God hold on to such a naïve hope?" Her confidence on the matter had grown enough to press on with her inquiry, "God's meant to know everything, after all. So if he knows Satan will never change and will only hurt us, who he's meant to love-"

"Meant to love?" Her mother narrowed her eyes, "Are you daring to doubt God's love for us?"

"If I could finish my question," Hayley continued, her tone more curt than before, "If God knows Satan will just keep hurting us, why not kill him? Surely killing the source of the world's evils would be the best thing for us."

Her father let out another deep sigh, "Look, even if Satan is the most evil being in all of God's creations, he plays an important role."

"What role is more important than the wellbeing of others?" She frowned, certain by now that most of her father's answers would be unsatisfying no matter how many questions she asked.

"He helps to separate the sinners from the people who'll go to Heaven." The boredom in his tone was almost lethal, "What's gotten into you? Have those atheist kids been asking you stupid questions again?"

"I told you this would happen if we didn't send her to a Christian school." Her mother muttered bitterly.

Hayley clenched her fists at the accusation, "No. Jen and Susie have been very respectful about the issue. These are my questions."

"Then was it Aunt Beth?" The distraught mother queried, "You know that Aunt Beth's always been…odd."

"You mean those books she keeps in the attic? They're actually quite interesting if you're willing to keep an open mind." Hayley smiled, but the smile faded quickly under the piercing gazes of her parents, "Look, she didn't say anything to me. Is it really so hard to believe that I might be inquisitive and questioning on my own?"

"I thought we'd raised you better, to be more trusting of God." Her father set his newspaper aside, fury bubbling just beneath the surface, "Look, if you have any questions, why don't you ask Father Matthews? I'm sure he'll know what to say to ease your fears."

"But aren't you at all curious?" She frowned, face crumpling together slightly, "I mean, God knowing everything means he doesn't need Satan to tell who's-"

"That's enough, Hayley." Her father stood, his voice quiet but laced with gentle rage, "I don't want to hear another word from you about this. Talk to Father Matthews. He might find what you're saying a bit interesting."

"But…" She began a line of argument, but gave in under the tense atmosphere, "Alright. But I'm not just dropping the issue. I will find answers."

"That's nice, sweetheart." He sat back down, barely registering he'd actually heard his daughter's words as he snatched his newspaper up.

The clouds were stained a dark grey the next day, a grim omen of a storm on its way. The church almost blended into the sky, if it weren't for the stained glass windows carving colours in the wall. The grass of the churchyard was unkempt, surpassed only by the crooked tombstones so coated in moss that on first glance you'd think they were their own strange plant. Even the path that split the grass was being slowly invaded by weeds and flowers alike. The day was unusually quiet, with nothing but the sound of a light breeze and the cawing of distant crows. Hayley inhaled the fresh scent left behind by the rain and summoned the nerve to step inside.

The church's inside was significantly cleaner. The deep red of the carpet was as vivid as the day Hayley could first remember it (about 10 years ago). Mahogany pews lined up at either side, their attention fixed squarely on the organ and altar at the back. Hayley's footsteps echoed as she strode to the back, doing her best to hold her determination inside herself.

Father Matthews leaned out from a side door, smiling broadly when he recognised the visitor, "Oh, Hayley, it's good to see you. How are Carol and Tony? Are they well?"

"My parents are fine." She answered, face sinking.

"Is something wrong?" He walked down from the door and patted Hayley's shoulder reassuringly, "You're not as cheerful as you usually are."

"That's…that's why I'm here." Her feet shifted uncomfortably as she attempted to find the words she needed, "Recently I've been…I've found….I have a lot of questions, and I can't seem to find an answer to them that doesn't lead to more questions."

"Ah, a common problem amongst the religious of the modern day." His smile turned sympathetic as he strode back to the door, "Come on, I'll make us some tea. It's better if we sit down to chat."

It was a fairly small kitchen, plain but at the same time comfortable and inviting. The kettle bubbled impatiently as both Hayley and Father Matthews tried to think of a way to break the discomforting silence.

"What exactly is it that's bothering you?" The priest asked, brow furrowing in a concerned manner, "I understand it must difficult for a young person such as yourself to hold onto your faith in such a scientific and atheist society."

"It's not really that…I'm pretty sure I still believe God exists…or something approximate to it." She stared down at the plate of biscuits, noting exactly how many would be polite to take first, "I'm just…not 100% sure I can put my trust in this God."

"Why not?" He poured the tea carefully, focusing on not spilling any, "God loves you, just as he loves everyone."

"That's all well and good, but sometimes people love you who are…well, who aren't good for you." Hayley tapped her fingers nervously on the table, banishing the memories that were fighting to flood back, "And the more I hear and think about the whole God vs. Satan thing, I wonder if perhaps there's more than one way to interpret the-"

The cups clattered to the table more suddenly than Hayley had expected. Father Williams' expression was harsh and stern, processing what he had just heard. Just as abruptly, his anger left him and his usual broad smile returned, "Well, I can't say I've heard that concern very much. Such a strange girl you are."

"Perhaps I'm not…explaining myself well." Hayley couldn't forget his obvious anger at the idea as quickly as he could, "Maybe it'd be better if I phrased this as a question. My dad said that Satan's job is important because he sorts out the sinners from the people who'll go to Heaven. But that makes no sense. I mean, can't God do that himself? And then what's the point in life if he already knows? Couldn't we just skip life and go straight to Heaven or Hell as soon as-"

"Ok, it seems you've got yourself confused on some issues. It's good that you came to me now before things got worse." He sipped tentatively at his tea, "It all comes down to free will. God gave us free will, in the hopes that we would use it to act in the name of good. Unfortunately, not all of us do."

"That sounds just as naïve as not stopping Satan from hurting us." She hesitantly retrieved a chocolate digestive from the plate and began munching on it, "And if not naïve, then rather callous."

Father Williams frowned, "Callous? How?"

"Well, what kind of loving parent would let someone repeatedly do things to hurt their children and do nothing to stop them?" Hayley knew the words she wanted to use but held her tongue. She was painfully aware of how cruel she could possibly be in that moment.

He pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, breathing deeply, "All children have to brave the world themselves sometimes."

"A world that God created. A world he made supposedly for us." She finished her biscuit hastily, "A world that's full of disease and death and hate."

"Because Satan made it so." He insisted.

"Because God allows him to." She tore into another biscuit, "So now we're right back to square one. And for that matter, why does God judge us for evil when Satan is supposed to be the one responsible?"

"Well…well, think of it this way." He took another sip of tea, longer than the last time, "Satan convinced Eve to eat the apple from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. While yes, Satan was wrong to convince her of that, Eve was also wrong to listen to him and should have known better."

Hayley took a prolonged gulp of tea, mulling over the concept. She put her cup back down when she reached her next question, "Should she?"

The priest snatched the cup that had almost clattered to the floor, "What was that?"

"Should Eve have known better?" She elaborated, "After all, she didn't know what good and evil were yet. She was innocent, unaware that anyone would lie to her about anything. Can you really hold her responsible for what she does if she doesn't know what morality is?"

"That's…the original Sin you're talking about." He removed his glasses and wiped them with a silk handkerchief from his pocket, "I do hope you understand the gravity of what you're implying."

"Implying? I'm sorry, I don't mean to imply anything." She froze, running the logic through her head until she reached its eventual conclusion, "I…was just asking questions."

The serious grimace on Father Matthews' face evaporated into a sympathetic smile, "I think I see what's happened here. I suppose it's only natural that an inquiring young girl would stumble upon controversial works such as Paradise Lost and get herself all mixed up-"

"I haven't read that yet." She interjected, sour that once again people assumed her questions hadn't truly come from her own thinking.

"In any case, it's important that even with all your doubts and questions, you understand that God cast humanity out because humanity should never have eaten the apple." He positioned his glasses meticulously, "Do you understand?"

"No." She responded bluntly, "What's so bad about learning what good and evil are?"

Lightning flashed outside, signalling the arrival of the storm that had been brewing earlier. The wind roared and rain pummelled the windows in an unending torrent. What had been a cosy kitchen was now cramped and claustrophobic, and Hayley's confidence had begun to ebb gradually away.

"Could you…" Father Matthews started a question, but trailed off into a pause and a completely different question, "Is your cup empty?"

Hayley nodded, attempting to remain polite, "It's quite alright."

"Nonsense, child, let me make you another." His sympathetic smile had become oddly sinister as he stood, "Tea is good for calming the spirit, after all. I have just the right kind."

He flicked the switch on the kettle, tapping his foot impatiently as it hissed to life. He opened the cupboards, standing just the right way so Hayley couldn't see what he retrieved from them and set on the counter. She didn't want to know, didn't want to look as a sensation of nausea settled in the pit of her stomach.

"So, could you explain exactly what you meant by your question?" His voice was calm, but it was the same calm as her father's when he was close to exploding.

"Well, I-I'm not…I-I don't…" She stuttered, the words sticking in the back of her throat, "If you think about it…the greatest virtues of humanity only mean anything when you have a frame of reference. You have to know what good and evil are to understand the best and worst humanity has to offer."

The kettle clicked, signalling it was done, as he pondered her words, "I'm still not sure I understand what you mean."

"Take, for instance, empathy. If we didn't know about the evil in the world, and couldn't contrast it to the good in the world, then we couldn't understand why anyone felt the way they did and couldn't help them through their darker moments." She paused, checking she was explaining herself well, "And charity is meaningless as a selfless act if we don't know what selfishness is. Knowing about evil is the reason anything good is meaningful."

"I…I suppose one could interpret it that way." Father Matthews set the cup down in front of her, face tinged with a dark aura.

She pressed on, boldness flooding her from head to toe, "So if that's the case, then why didn't God want us to know of good and evil? Why didn't he want us to understand the meaning of the virtues he's told us to follow?"

"You…truly are a strange child." He laughed, a gentle chuckle that was oddly frightening, "If it's not too much to ask, why do you feel the answers to these questions are important?"

"Because I'm not a soldier. I can't follow a God that I don't respect and I can't in good conscience choose a side in a conflict that I don't have all the facts on." She sighed, staring intently at the milky brown of her tea, "I mean, for all I know, Satan did what he did for our benefit and was scorned simply for doing what he thought was best."

Thunder crashed outside as the room suddenly became deathly cold. Father Williams retained composure, his expression puzzlingly sombre, "Aren't you going to drink your tea?"

"Oh, um, o-of course." She held the cup tightly, so tight it almost broke from her iron grip. She downed half the cup in ten seconds flat, made more difficult by her nervous shaking, and continued, "I understand why this conversation has been difficult, but I simply can't wrap my head around how I'm supposed to side with God blindly. It's not that I want to abandon my faith, I just have too many unanswered-"

"It's alright, I understand exactly what's happening here." His sombre expression broke into a disquieting grin, "You've been poisoned by Satan. He's planted the seeds of doubt in your heart to corrupt you so that he can claim your soul."

"I'm…sorry?" She tilted her head to the side, convinced she must have misheard, "Poisoned? I'd say that's rather dramatic, Father. It's natural to have questions and to be bothered when those questions have no satisfactory answers."

"No, it's all clear to me now." He stood, circling the table to stand behind her, "The Devil has poisoned you. I can help you, child, but only if you put your trust in God and in me."

Hayley leapt to her feet, backing off a few paces, "I'm not sure I want your help. I think Christianity might just not be the right religion for me."

"Nonsense, Hayley." He grabbed her arm, veins throbbing bright blue, "God loves you."

His eyes shone bright silver and radiant wings burst out of his back, stretching the span of the room. His veins turned ice blue, spreading to reveal a network of symbols on his hands and face. The window behind him shattered, raining glass from above as the wind seized the opportunity to slice through and rain pounded at the kitchen floor. The thing that Father Williams had become emitted a light, harsh and cold. In that moment, Hayley saw what she could only describe as an angel; a warrior of God rather than a guardian of mercy.

Barely thinking in the face of this creature, she turned sharply and barrelled through the door to the main church area. The windows exploded inwards as Father Williams followed, striding confidently and calmly as if nothing strange was happening. Coloured glass showered down from all directions and Hayley ducked between the pews, arms over her head and still clutching her teacup, as trivial as it was to hold onto it.

"Let me help you, Hayley." His voice echoed tenfold, deep and terrible, "God will forgive you for allowing the Devil to taint your thoughts."

"I don't want forgiveness." She cried, suppressing all instinct to burst into tears, "I just want answers."

He advanced forward, searching for her hiding place, "The only answer you need is God's mercy."

"Listen to yourself. You sound like a crazy person!" She stood defiantly, "What are you even going to do to me if I don't comply? I'm not going to give up on my questions just because you're intimidating me."

"That is not an option." His passionless stare turned to her, "You will be saved."

She ran for the door, taking care not to spill the rest of her drink as she went for reasons beyond her panicked mind. The handle rattled but wouldn't yield, no matter how much force she slammed into the door. It was locked, not by any conventional means, but by some divine force. Any efforts to open it were useless. Hayley was trapped inside with the former Father Williams.

The floor began rumbling, gently at first but soon erupted as the floor cracked open into a gaping maw. She sprinted to the corner to avoid being swallowed by the ground, while Father Williams calmly stepped aside and walked on towards her. There was no hope of running now, no hope of escape, just Hayley and the angel desperate to be her saviour.

"Only I can save you from Hell now." He raised his arms as a sign of goodwill, "That's all I want. That's all your parents wanted, and it's all God has ever wanted for you."

Out of the corner of her eye, Hayley noticed the chasm in the floor had begun spitting flames, orange and red, but also blue, purple and acid green, twisting together into a kaleidoscope of heat and light. It was mesmerising, but not enough to tear her attention away from the warrior of God towering over her. Her choice was clear now. Jump into the fiery fissure, not knowing if it would lead to Hell, freedom or death, or abandon her right to questions and become a soldier of God. Both were daunting prospects, but Hayley knew deep down she'd made up her mind the minute she'd set foot in the church.

"I don't need God." She spat the words out defiantly, "Not if God's will is to force those who don't follow blindly into agreement. I'd rather not know where I'm going than be forced onto a path I don't want to be on."

"Just drink your tea, child." His voice became soothing, but that simply made the thing using his voice the more chillingly haunting, "Everything will be fine if you just drink the tea."

The icy chill of the china reminded her that she was still holding her teacup, half-full and barely spilt. By some unknown instinct, she found herself suddenly repulsed by the idea of drinking the rest. Without a second thought, she poured the remaining liquid to the floor and hurled the cup with all her might against the opposite wall. It splintered and smashed, the pieces falling to the floor with a gentle clink. That one act made her decision clear.

The seraph frowned, confused, "You…reject salvation? But what will you do? What can you do if you will not allow God's will?"

Swept up in the feverish madness of the situation, Hayley dashed to the edge of the crevasse and balanced at the edge, "I'll see where the path I've chosen takes me. Sometimes it may burn, sometimes it may hurt, but when I reach the end, I'll have the answers that I need."

She jumped. Father Williams tried to grab her arm, but he was too late as she fell through the fires into the deep black below.

Hayley fell for what felt like an eternity, deeper into the darkness and the terror of the unknown. The fires had long since dissipated, so even with her eyes open there was nothing but inky blackness and a strange soft glow of her body. She fell fast, slowing gradually until at some moment she came to a complete stop on what felt like a solid floor. For a while, she sat alone, contemplating her choice. Even in the unnerving abyss, she didn't regret her decision.

Without warning, a figure appeared in the darkness, a masculine figure of tarnished silver. The man, if such unearthly beauty could be called a man, exuded an air of confidence, but not in an imposing manner. He walked with purpose and stopped in front of her with a bemused smile.

"What are you doing here, Miss?" He asked, "This is no place for a young girl such as yourself."

"I'm here searching for Satan." She replied, scrambling to her feet, "I have questions that need answers, and I ended up here."

"Well, you've come to the right place." He bowed politely, "For I am the Satan that you seek, although that is merely a title often shared with myself, my brother and my son."

"Oh." Hayley stared awkwardly, "You're…not quite what I expected. Do you have another name I could use, so it's less confusing?"

"Samael. A name I've heard has been lost to many of your people in this day and age." He sighed wistfully, "Anyway, what was your query?"

A thousand questions rushed to her mouth at once. The winner ended up being, "Do you ever intend to return to Heaven?"

"No, sadly. It has been millennia since the fight, and while I…regret some of my wrath, I still stand by the reasons I left for." He paused for a moment, pensive, then shook the feeling away, "Is that enough to sate your curiousity?"

"To be honest, not really." She frowned, "I still have a lot more to ask."

"Well, unfortunately, there's little time for that." He smiled, a smile tinged with sorrow, "If you spend too long asking questions of me here, then you may never be able to return from where you came."

"I'm not sure I want to." The words came before she realized what she was saying, "I…there's not really a place for me back there anymore."

He offered her a hand, unusual warmth softly radiating from it, "Then come, walk with me, and we can talk of all the questions plaguing your thoughts."

She was tempted to simply take his hand and go, but a single lesson had embedded itself in her soul from the whole experience.

"If I take your hand, will you let me go if I want to leave you?" She asked, "It's not anything against you, I just…I have bad experience with blind faith."

He bowed his head respectfully, "Of course. You may leave my side at any time to find some other path here, and come back if you'd ever wish to."

With that, Hayley took Satan's hand and the two began walking what may have been north. They walked and talked for hours, and for the first time since her quest for answers had begun, Hayley finally felt as if she was in a place she belonged, with a person who respected her right to question and to be unsatisfied with the answers. She had found home with the Devil himself.